A covert narcissist is one of charm and thievery, love bombing and silent treatments, projection and gaslighting, and more. Like thieves in the night, covert narcissists creep into an individual’s life to steal their sanity, peace of mind, and identity. They exploit their victim’s kindness and naiveté for personal gain. Their charismatic, shy, and humble behavior is a wicked act portrayed to entrap supply. Any form of attention a covert narcissist wants or need but lacks and can receive from a person results in the perfect narcissistic supply.
The complexity of covert narcissists lies in their stealth and passive-aggressive behavior. Unlike the criteria defined in the DSM-5 for an overt narcissist—that’s grandiose, pompous, over-the-top, and self-absorbed. A covert narcissist understands and recognizes that there’s substantial power in “not showing your hands.” Their plan is discreet and harder to pinpoint. Covert narcissists disarm their victims by displaying acts of kindness, generosity, adoration, and enchantment that create trust in the relationship.
Once they’ve established trust, they play on their victim’s vulnerability and use it to their advantage. Most susceptible to this predatory behavior are compassionate and empathetic people. Being informed and aware of the hallmark signs of a covert narcissist is the best way to combat getting involved with these emotional vampires. Below is a list of ten personality traits that can help inform and prevent covert narcissistic abuse.
1. False Humility
Covert narcissists understand the importance of the saying, “You catch more bees with honey,” because kindness goes a long way; this is the ultimate bait-and-switch tactic used to exploit their victims. For most people, kindness is a natural expectation from someone you’re in a relationship with or getting to know better. Still, kindness is a trap used by a covert narcissist that ultimately leads to emotional, mental, or even physical abuse.
2. Love Bombing
These words and grand gestures of idealization are classic examples of gaining trust. Immediately, the victim receives a barrage of compliments, constant phone calls, doting text messages, and affection. It’s during the love-bombing stage that the covert narcissist works the hardest to pull the wool over your eyes.
3. Soul Mate Effect
Any characteristic that’s “perfect” in a partner you now possess. The way you talk is perfect, and the way you smile is perfect. The way you comb your hair to the right side of your face is, you guessed it—perfect! They can never imagine being in another relationship because you are one-of-a-kind—a “soul mate.” Another trademark sign of a narcissist is when they refer to you as their soul mate without really knowing you, especially during the beginning stage of dating.
4. Perpetual Victim
The covert narcissist usually has a sob story about how they grew up. They’re infamous for telling stories of abuse, being an oddball, and feeling unwanted during their childhood. These elaborate stories are how they hook their intended target into becoming their supply. Once you feel sorry for them, you end up trying to do everything in your power to protect them—more attention, more praise, more money, more time, which means more supply, and that’s what they desire. Ultimately, you’re the one who keeps giving and giving, while the covert narcissist does less and less, and you become drained, depleted, lost, and unhappy.
5. The “Crazy Ex”
The “crazy ex” is an old tale told to groom a new supply. It’s a strategic ploy because it encourages the new suitor to do the complete opposite of all the “bad” and “crazy” things previously done by the covert narcissist’s “crazy ex.” Subconsciously, the supply internalizes all the complaints of the covert narcissist and works extra hard to prove that they are the absolute opposite of the ex-partner.
6. Hypersensitive
Covert narcissists are extremely sensitive, and they deem constructive or suggestive feedback a personal attack. Many victims feel they must refrain from saying anything that may cause narcissistic injury or wound their ego. The victim then tiptoes around the narcissist’s feelings without pointing out any red flags to keep the peace within the relationship. This tactic is a stealthy way to silence their victim.
7. Gaslighting
Whenever something seems weird or out of the ordinary and you question a covert narcissist, they act oblivious or talk in circles. If you ask a specific question regarding something they’ve said or promised, they’ll say, “That’s not what I said.” The covert narcissist uses “word salad”–incoherent or disorganized speech–to gaslight and cause confusion or brain fog.
8. Silent Treatment
The silent treatment or “ghosting” is a debilitating tactic intended to break you down and starve you of any response from the covert narcissist. They punish you by ghosting and leaving you without answering why they haven’t responded to your calls, texts, or attempts to reach out. In actuality, each time you contact the narcissist, they’re empowered as they leave you scrambling for answers. It’s cruel behavior, but the covert narcissist is a coward and uses this tactic to teach you a lesson. The contempt for their victim reveals itself as the mask slips, uncovering who they are—evil.
9. Emotionally Neglectful
Covert narcissists are inept at building and nurturing emotional bonds with others. No matter how hard the supply tries to explain or rationalize their feelings to a covert narcissist, it never seems to “click”—they lack emotional maturity and empathy to maintain a healthy relationship.
10. Pathological liar
A covert narcissist lies about insignificant things, by omission and voluntarily—they’re pathological. Lying is a natural behavior used to get what they want, no matter the outcome. A wise person believes nothing they say and constantly questions everything they do.
While covert narcissists may be challenging to spot at first, they can be discovered. These are ten telltale signs that will help you identify them even sooner. The best way to combat this is by disengaging and moving on with your life.
